Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
