she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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