How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
