i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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