if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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