my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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