Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
