don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
