Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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