the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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