just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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