Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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