My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
