Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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