My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
