Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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