So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize