doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize