I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
