can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
