so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
