Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
