I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
