So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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