Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
