Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
