I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
