Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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