I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
