Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just pee around me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
