I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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