It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
