I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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