I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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