put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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