Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
