i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
