I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
