Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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