best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
