I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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