I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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