I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
