You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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