When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
