her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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