there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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