Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
