i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
