I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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