Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
