I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Randomize
