sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
