forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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