I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
