I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
