whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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