i don't like sucking hair
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
