The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize