I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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