I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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