After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
