WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
